7 Scary Sex Toys That Belong in a Torture Chamber
If there is one thing you should be thankful for, it’s the fact that you don’t have to feel ashamed when it comes to sex. Gone are the days when doggy style, reading the Kama Sutra and even same sex marriage is acceptable, sans the fear of going to jail or being burned alive.
Apparently, the people of the world took freedom of speech and expression on a different level – literally. Your finger, lips and tongue will always be your back up when it comes to matters between the sheets.
Unfortunately, there are women who prefer an extra hand – or help – to get things going inside the bedroom.
This is where sex toys come in. Surprisingly, vibrators, dildos and nipple clamps are so yesterday. Even Christian Grey’s playroom needs an overhaul because surely, he doesn’t have one or all of these sex toys.
It’s a good thing, though, because these scary sex toys would drive Anastacia, or any girl crazy.
1. Sqweel 2 Or Too Sore For Sex
There is a reason why the ancient civilizations invented wheels. They are supposed to help you go from point A to point B without developing calluses. Over the years, the design of the wheel improved to make it sturdier and longer lasting.
Now, imagine a wheel turning while being placed in a woman’s vagina. Not good, right? Because it is not and it is only meant to make a woman cry in pain.
Sadly, this is what Sqweel 2 is all about. According to its manufacturers, Sqweel 2 has 10 super soft silicone tongues, three powerful speeds, flicker mode and a quiet device that adds up to the fun inside the bedroom.
Just imagine a wheel going round and round a woman’s most sensitive parts. It’s supposed to turn her on, right? Well, not exactly. Many women users were unhappy about the product,because they ended up being sore until the following day. Definitely not a perfect gift to give to your girl.
2. The Portable Glory Hole
Glory holes have been a popular porn genre. To give you an idea, it is where you stick your thing in a hole and some gorgeous lady will appear and give you a blowjob while she is on the other side.Some dudes don’t mind this and consider this as a turn on. If you are one of them, no one is judging you. You live in free and liberated world, so go ahead and buy this portable glory hole.
The portable glory hole is like a DIY sex toy – only better. It saves you time, too, since you don’t have to spend the next few hours of your life drilling a hole in plywood. You only have to pay $250 for a portable stall wall that you can attach anywhere in the house, though this is highly recommended for doors.
Install this device, and as soon as you get home, you can expect your wife to be kneeling down in front of the door where you attached the glory hole. You just take off your pants, stick your thing in the hole and she gives you a blowjob – except that this is a stupid thing and no, your ladylove won’t do that for you.
Perhaps, the manufacturer was not making any sales except for the constant clients in the porn industry, so they discontinued the product. Will it make a comeback? Hopefully not.
3. Sex Dolls Are For Dolls
Let’s suppose you’re tired of seeing artificial hymens and porn sites are no longer turning you on. One Friday night, you decide to go out with some friends for some fun and hopefully, you will score a girl to bring home.
But, things didn’t work out the way you planned it in your mind. By 12 midnight, you’re home, sitting in front of your laptop and decide to get yourself a sex toy, instead.
By sex toy, this means sex doll, and a life-size sex doll for that matter.
Why does it belong to the list of horrifying sex toys when it is only meant to bring your pleasure when you’re all alone and listening to Taylor Swift? First, life-size sex toys have nothing to do with your confidence and self-esteem. Instead of working on your issues, so you can date a real human, you resort to sex toys, and that could only say bad things.
More importantly, do you seriously want to have sex with a doll? Fine, its area down there may look like a real woman’s vagina but that’s it.
It is programmed to say and react this way, which means you won’t get honest, genuine response. Plus, it’s disturbing to make out and actually get an orgasm from a non-human being.
Don’t worry, dude. Someone better will come along. The good thing is in case you haven’t found the right one yet, you can use the sex doll in the meantime.
4. DIY Fuck Machines Don’t Cut It
Is there anything that screams torture more than hearing the word, “fuck machine”? This is something you give to your girlfriend in case you two are in a long distance relationship. The designs and names are different, but the concept is all the same. Fuck machines are something a woman sits on while the make-believe penis made of “soft” materials does the work.
There are different kinds, actually. Take the case of Star Fuck. It looks like a big bowling ball where she is supposed to sit and the penis is constantly bouncing.
Or the Fantasy Glide Pogo. It is height-adjustable sex toy – that’s the main selling point – with a hole somewhere in between the stick where the dildo or vibrator is placed.
That’s not all. You can also go for the Monkey Rocker Fucking Machine. It costs $685, which is quite expensive for a sex toy, but can provide a different kind of sexual adventure and exotic masturbation experience, at least according to the website. If bondage or Dom-Sub is your thing, you can also try the Slave Driver Fucking Machine.
This is much better than the DIY fuck saw, right?
5. The Electric Eel Isn’t Worth The Dough
Eels are supposed to be an animal living peacefully infresh coastal waters. Apparently, it became a nickname for penis, especially when explaining sex to five year olds.Since then, eels became synonymous to anything penis-related, with toys created in its honor.
It is currently on its second prototype, since the first one only looks like an ordinary condom with tons of wiring.
Is it worth buying? That depends on you. If you are willing to spend $350 for a level up condom-like sex toy, then go ahead. In the meantime, just stick to the simple but safer versions.
6. King Dongis Only Good For King Kong’s Wife
Vibrators and dildos are among the most common and most popular sex toys in the market.
They come in different brands, designs, materials, color and even vibrating capabilities.It all boils down to your choice and what you think will work best for you and your girl’s needs.
Apparently, there is a dildo that is 15 inches long and more than two inches wide. Can you guess its name? Yes, it’s King Dong, King Kong’s counterpart in the world of sex toys. The intention of its makers are questionable as to why they decided to release this but according to its website, King Dong is the answer to a woman’s biggest sexual desire – taken in the most literal way possible.
If it fits her down there is something you and your girl should find out. Don’t worry. It is scented and made of jelly material, making it easily bendable and flexible.
7. Sacred butt Plugs Add A Disturbing Slant To Sex
Photo by Stan Spanker / CC BY SA
Just like dildos, butt plugs come in different forms and sizes. That is acceptable. However, can you imagine a butt plug with Jesus’ face on it? What about Virgin Mary or Shiva? Disturbing, right?
It turns out that manufacturer Divine Interventions make religious toys such as Baby Jesus butt plugs, Shiva for the clitoris and Buddha’s Delight for dildo. Even the devil has its version of dildo, which is also quite disturbing.
For the religious, this is a complete desecration of sacred images. When is it okay to use sacred images as sex toys? Whether you believe in God or not, regardless of your civil status, are you willing to use sex toys with Jesus’ face on it? Hell no.
Sex toys are okay. It adds fun and pleasure in the bedroom and at the same time, gives you a different kind of sexual experience. It all boils down to your choice of sex toys. Regardless of your intention, it is imperative that you stay away from these seven sex toys to make your sex life safer.